Never Meant
by Sleine
Summary: How far would you go to salvage a friendship? Warning: Yaoi implications, a NxS that's not going to work out...or will it?
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimers: **None of Naruto belongs to me, not a single bit. Wish it did though…

**Author's Notes: **This was written in a hurry under an hour, when my muse screamed at me suddenly while reading this yaoi manga…must have overwhelmed me though, cause I can't recall which manga it was that inspired me so. Anyway, comments and criticisms are welcome )

**Author's Notes 2: **This was posted previously two years ago, but since I'm preparing a sequel to this, I made some revisions and corrected some of the cheesiness I've put in previously. It's still there though, but bleh…live with it ;P

Never Meant

I never meant for it to happen.

Where, when, and how…. It doesn't really matter now does it? The deed's done, and now I'm more at a loss, than the loss I was escaping from before. What's left for me now? How much have I got left?

I should have run the very moment you leaned towards me.

I should have run, when the warning bells went off in my head, a second after I realized what you were going to do.

I should have run, the moment your lips brushed briefly against mine, and even should have run, right after that.

But I didn't, did I?

I stood frozen to the spot, as if I ceased to function. As if I have lost all control of my body. My brain felt like it's working so fast and in so many directions that that it's not working at all. And then, it must have ceased to function a while later when you leaned in the second time, to delve deeper into my mouth. Your tongue caressed my mouth so lovingly, yet desperately at the same time. It seemed like you were seeking to coax some kind of answer from my mouth that could not speak at that moment. But you know, I don't think I could have even if you hadn't been kissing me. Instead, all I could do then was fix my stare on your face that got closer than I'd ever seen it. And distantly, I notice how silky you hair feels, when the breeze caused it to brush gently against my cheek. How it seemed to caress me as well, like what your tongue was doing at that moment.

Suddenly, you raise your hands to cup my head beneath my ears. I feel the tremble in them, as you gradually increased pressure, pushing my face closer to yours, as if you felt the proximity we had wasn't close enough, delving deeper into my mouth, seeking with more desperation for something I didn't…and still don't know to give.

It all feels detached, like I was above and was watching on somewhere in the distance at the whole event. And you must have felt it then too, because you released me abruptly and stepped back. Your eyes held a hope I didn't understand, and even though ignorant as I was then, I could see it slowly die before my eyes. How long did we stand there staring at each other? Oh we've stared, rather, glared at each other enough times in the past before, so I can't say it's not a familiar action. What must it have been like for you then? How different did it feel to you? I, on the other hand, was quite incapable of thought then.

Much less feel.

But you, _you_ who found it hard to deal with emotions, _you_, who strove to shield your emotions from the rest of the world, how must it have affected you?

For you to let me witness the look of anguish, despair and regret twist themselves into your face?

Then, you took on the expression of a trapped animal who desperately wants to run away.

It was that expression that undid me. I was thrown back into my body suddenly from the curious mental plane I was before, and the look on your face worked like a slap to wake me back to reality. I grabbed your arm just in time before you made to sprint away. I opened my mouth that seemed obliged to say something, anything, but I couldn't think of anything to say. It must have been too much for you because you started wrenching desperately at my hand that confined you there to let you go. I didn't want you to, somehow, and I _couldn't_. But I knew I had to find some way to stop you from wanting to run away at all. Because I know, if you did, I will lose…..lose _what_ exactly I didn't know then. But the feeling was overwhelming me and before I knew it, I had already clumsily pressed my lips to yours, imitating what you did earlier.

It worked, and you stayed.

And it all started from there.

You were the first friend I had. We started out as enemies, but that was the closest anyone had ever gotten to me, so for that, you were always special, even if I didn't know it myself at first. As the relationship progressed into friendship and comradeship, I became more and more aware of my dependence on you. I'll never admit it to anyone, but I do depend on you…more than you'll possibly know.

And perhaps because of that, I gradually became fearful of losing the precious friend that I've come to find and treasure in you. So unwilling was I to let go, that I was willing to submit to what you wanted.

So, I became your lover.

I did what a lover would, and should, letting you believe the facade I put up, to deceive you for my own selfish reasons. You're my most treasured friend. I would have done anything to make you stay. I wanted to be what you needed me to be for you.

But I did not love you the way you wanted me to.

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I find myself thinking.

Of questions that I won't have answers to, like why I can never love you like a lover, and how things could have been different. I play that day over and over in my head, enacting all the possibilities, and swallowing the bitterness after, knowing nothing will change.

It's been happening of late. This deep unsettling despair that would grip me suddenly when you aren't looking. It seems that the reality of what I've done, of what we've been doing has finally caught up with me. I'm forced to see what I've made our relationship become. We are not real lovers, yet, not really friends either.

_What exactly are we?_

And the fault lies with me, and me solely. Words can neither adequately explain how sorry I am, nor describe the remorse I feel eating away at me.

How long is this going to keep up? Rather… the question lies with me, doesn't it? How long am _I_ going to let this keep up? I think you're beginning to suspect, but you're not saying anything. I've been thinking of telling you, but each time I try to, I look at your face, I get reminded all over again of why I worked so hard in deceiving you in the first place. And then I get selfish, and I try to keep you with me, assuring you with kisses, caresses and sex. All I ever wanted was to keep you by my side, but why do I feel that I have less and less of you with each passing day?

You never ceased loving me, but I never ceased feeling for you as a friend either.

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_A little longer……_

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How long has it been?

A…year? Strange…..I could have sworn it was longer than that, sure felt that way for me.

One day……that one day will come when I will have to tell you the truth.

It will be the day I will have to witness your anger and pain. I can already imagine it, bitter as it is. You will be silent. You will not yell or curse, simply because you're…..you. You will tremble in rage, and the look on your face will first be one of shock, then denial, and rage. Your eyes, so clouded with love and passion while touching me before, will be filled with accuse, as the feeling of betrayal will finally severe the ties I've bound you with to me all this while. You will leave me, and nothing can ever be done at that point to repair anything between us.

I know.

Just like I know a part of me will die on that day.

The day I tell you Sasuke, that we were never meant to be.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Ramble: This is currently in the works, and I'm gauging general response before I decide if I want to make this a full ongoing thing. On with the teaser then, this is Sasuke's take on things….well, sorta.

Disclaimers : You know, the standard ones.

Teaser : Chapter Two

If there was ever one single defining moment that I can point out exactly when it was that I fell in love with you, I guess it'd have to be the moment you stood your ground and glared at me like you hated me with every fiber of your being.

Don't mistake what I meant, it's not that I'm a masochist, I'm not. I'm referring to the intensity of what you showed me that attracted me to you first. My eyes were drawn to you, and I couldn't look away since. I'll admit I didn't quite understand what it was that made you look at me with such hatred, and I was curious, for the first time, in all the time that I had let slip by, to know the reasons behind the intensity. I didn't think I would experience an emotion as innocent as curiosity again, when I thought I had lost all lest for one that feeds my thirst for vengeance – hate.

Were you even aware of how much confusion you've caused me from that moment on?

Years and years of seeing nothing, feeling nothing, and wanting nothing but the sole reason I was even breathing then. I was the avenger, the responsibility of the one who lived, the sole survivor to carry the wills of all those who died agonizing deaths. My world was dark, and it existed for myself and the person I have to kill, everything else just…didn't matter. They meant nothing at all, until you came along.

And I got curious.

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To be continued….?


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